Sexual intimacy in marriage

Yes that is today’s blog, let’s talk about sex.  An old 90’s Salt-N-Pepa song rings in my head.  I got the wonderful privileged last Wednesday to share (along with some other amazing ladies) about healthy sexuality to a group of young mom’s.  So, I thought that today I would share 5 of my favorite thoughts from the meeting.  And yes, I am speaking solely to sexual intimacy IN MARRIAGE.

  1.  When you don’t want to do it…do it anyway.  Seriously!  The more you do anything, the more it becomes routine, the more it is a normal part of life, and if we don’t do it, we feel disjointed.  This is true of almost everything in life, sex not withstanding.  The same is true for the battered souls who have been torn apart by the trauma that is sexual abuse.  I said in the meeting, if you are afraid of water you have to take baby steps.  You’ll never learn to swim if you don’t put your toe in the water.  You have to take baby steps.  Today toes, in a week feet, a week later up to the knees, eventually you will swim.  Take baby steps, move slowly, but moving is the key.  A loving spouse will be patient.
  2. When passion has faded…turn up the romance.  Getting more regular with sex does not always solve the passion problem.  I’m mainly speaking to ladies here, but it is an issue with men too, so excuse my over-generalization and change the pronouns if needed.  Ladies, quit expecting your husband to be the man from a romance novel, because that’s not real life.  It’s a made up character written by a WOMAN!  You know what you need to feel romantic, so plan the romantic evening yourself and GET OVER IT!  Or, spell it out for your husband, he will be glad you made all the plans and all he has to do is pick the day and schedule it.  And no, you cannot request a massage or a picnic under the stars every time in order to have sex.  You can plan a romantic evening and give your husband small, easy, doable clues that daily help you get in a passionate mood (ie. going for evening strolls, taking the kids after dinner so you can take a bath and relax, snuggling close to you with non sexual affectionate touch while you watch your favorite show, etc).  SPELL IT OUT and get over the rest.  If your spouse is the problem, take the lead for them.  Make sure you are doing all you can to make sure they feel loved, respected, and desired by you.  Oh, and get the kids out of your room and out of your beds.  Are we really shocked that passion has faded if the kids are in our beds, really!  Get them out.  They are going to leave eventually, if for no other reason than they are high-schoolers and it got weird, and what are you left with?  A man and woman who haven’t shared regular physical intimacy the last 3…5…10 years of life….
  3. If one of you isn’t interested in sex or other kinds of intimacy at all anymore…get outside help.  I really believe that if the period of time between some kind of sexual intimacy lasts more than a week (illness, menstruation, travel, or just a down right awful week don’t count) on a regular basis, then there is an outside issue that needs to be addressed.  Something is going on, so address it.
  4. If you and your spouse don’t see eye to eye on what is OK sexually…talk about it and agree together.  I’m getting Biblical for a second.  The Bible is pretty clear on some things that are sexually prohibited.  Also, I like when one woman said “are you prohibiting something God permits?”  Don’t be afraid to try new things.  I really believe that outside of Biblical prohibitions, all goes in sexual intimacy as long as you aren’t inviting anyone else into your private sexual intimacy (yes porn is exactly that), no one is being harmed or degraded, and both partners agree.  That last one is HUGE.  If someone is uncomfortable, love and protection should unquestionably out win desire.
  5. When you are in a rut…Get creative and get out.  I’m not going to expand a ton, but there are far more ways to have sexual intimacy than in your bedroom.  Do some research, get outside of your comfort zone, and don’t be afraid to have fun together as a couple.

Bottom line, sex is supposed to bring us together, to connect us, that is how God designed it.  It should be fun, we should laugh and feel joy with sexual intimacy.  It should also be personal, meaningful, soul connecting.  And then at other times, it can be about frustration, making up, reconnecting in the only way that may connect two people and put them on the same page at this moment in life.  Sexual intimacy is all of these things.  Don’t short sell it or box it up into one package.  That was never the design.


One thought on “Sexual intimacy in marriage

  1. All really great points. About the kids being in bed, I wonder if it’s a chicken and egg question. Do the co-sleeping kids cause the breakdown in intimacy or is the lack of intimacy allowing the couple to be okay with the kids being in bed with them? Just some food for thought. Also, mentioning spelling your needs out to your husband is so on point. Men liked to be showered with attention as much as we do!

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