I am getting it all wrong

Lately I seem to be getting it all wrong. I am trying. I am really trying. I am trying hard…

I am trying to keep it together. I am trying to be a great wife. I am trying to be a great mother. I am trying to give advice. I am trying to comfort. I am trying to help. I am trying to be sane in the midst of insanity. I am trying not to lose my temper. I am trying to be normal. I am trying to love well on the people that are put into my life to love. I am trying to lead. I am trying to show hospitality. I am trying to be a light. I am trying to connect to God, and show God, and see God, and hear God. I am trying to be present.

Mostly, I am trying not to screw up in the midst of the trying…

But unfortunately… I just seem to be failing more and more, the more I try…

I seem to be missing the mark. I seem to be losing it more than I am keeping it together. I seemed to be hurting others more than I’m helping. I seem to be falling apart more than I’m holding it together. I seemed to be lost in the mess.

And the result seems to be that I am tired, I am spent, I am used, I am abused, I am not appreciated, and now…I am sick.

But….I am suddenly aware how very many I’s are in all of this. I am so focused on what I am trying to be, that I have screwed it up. Because I have simply been focused on I far too much…

I have tried to be all, and do all…and I have gotten in the way….

I have forgotten, that I, only exist to glorify God.

And so, I need to simply get out of the way, and let God get in the way. So, I give up…finally…

It took a lot of time and a lot of heartache…but I let go…I simply cannot do it anymore…I give in…


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