My Outlandish Life

As of yesterday we have officially been married 16 years and it got me to thinking of 16 years ago us, and well, we were idiots.  So, if you say these things then, I’m sorry…

1. We will never go to bed angry.  Sorry, we go to bed angry plenty.  Yup, we are constantly on each others nerves.  I can’t even go to bed not angry at myself every nigh, come on!  We may say “I love you” before bed, but often one of us is still plenty angry.  Sometimes anger just takes a few days to simmer.

2. We won’t get upset about the little things.  Ummm…Yeah, you will.  You will totally lose it after the underwear have been left on the bathroom floor (directly in front of the hamper) for the one trillionth time.  For example, I’m just throwing that out there as an example…  But really, marriage is supposed to be about two people bending for each other.  Some things we will learn to let go of and we’ll just pick up underwear every day, again, just an example 😦 and other things we bend and change for the new more important person in our life.

3. I’m marrying you, not your family.  Dumb!  It’s a package deal, dysfunction and all.  Not our families of course, not trying to upset my most loyal readers, others families.  Don’t worry, I’m totally not talking about you…  😉

4. We will never fight around our children.  LIE!  We fight around them all the time, and frankly, I think it’s good for them.  I’m not meaning undermining each other or speaking badly of each other, That’s probably not so good for them, but disagreeing and getting frustrated with each other in front of your kids is OK, healthy even.  They need to see that adults disagree and get frustrated too.

5. We will never lie to our kids, we’ll tell them the truth when they ask.  Ok, yeah right.  I told my (then 5yr old) daughter last summer that Six Flags was the Slip N’ Slide in the back yard.  If you believe you will never lie to your kids, you are lying to yourself, because YOU WILL LIE!

6. We will never bring an infant into a restaurant.  Yes, I actually said this.  We didn’t even make it through the first kid before we broke this one, and so will you.  Why, because you must escape, you must get out, and you won’t care that the baby screams the whole time.  She screams all the time, at least your getting to actually eat, so who cares.  If the people around you don’t like it, you’ll accept their nasty glances with silent joy, and take another bite.

7. I will never scream or yell in my home.  If you know me your laughing out loud.  I am may be one of the loudest people you will ever meet, I was the youngest of 5 girls, I don’t know how not to yell.  Me and my 3 children yell all across our house even when we’re not mad.  But in the mornings when I’m screaming like a Banshee “put your shoes on, just put your shoes on!”, I’m pretty sure even the neighbors can hear me.

8. We will not be late just because we have kids.  Again, your laughing.  Kids are time warps.  They suck you into their black hole of timelessness and before you know it you’ve all spent 20 minutes trying to find the other shoe, or helping your teenager locate her phone.

9. I won’t be a helicopter mom.  Oh yeah, sometimes you will be.  Why, because your kids mean more to you than your own life, and you love them more than you ever understood love, and sometimes you will be completely terrified to let go of them.  Even when you know you have to.

10.  I won’t be a free range mom.  Yes, I’m both.  This term didn’t even exist 16 years ago.  But I saw kids walking to the neighborhood park alone and thought, “who are these parents just advertising their kids for kidnapping!”, “my kids will never play in the front yard”, etc…Yes they will.  Your first one may not, poor kid, always missing out.  But if you have more than one, you will let go and realize that it’s ok to let your kids ride bikes in the street, and play in the front yard, and yes…even walk to the park 2 blocks away!

So there, I wonder what kind of lies I tell now that I’ll laugh at another 16 years from now when we’re empty nesters?