My own personal ocean of doubt and fear in God’s plan

ocean

One year ago today our family changed forever.  A year ago today my nephew and brother-in-law died in a horrible plane crash.  He was 9, almost 10.  My sisters only son and her husband.  I don’t write about this to broadcast our tragedy to the world, that’s not what this is for.  I just desire to be real, and show my real struggle as I figure out how I feel about all of this.  One year in, and when I think about this, I still have to remind myself to have faith in God’s plan.  I repeat the lyrics to the song Oceans by Hillsong as my prayer often.  I’ve attached them below if you don’t know them.  But the line I pray most often the last year is this: Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

That’s what this tragedy has been for me, an ocean of fear, doubt, and unknown.  It has shaken me.  Like Peter, I feel like we are all just trying to keep our eyes above the waves and stay steady in faith.  And that is just me, I can only imagine the ocean my sister has found herself in.   Here is the thing, I can’t explain why this was Gods plan.  I can’t understand or begin to rationalize why this is what it had to be.  I see the pain my son has gone through losing his cousin and best friend and I see the pain my sister has felt and I can’t imagine why this would ever be necessary.  I can’t.  I can use good church reasons, like that our soul purpose is to glorify God, and my sister exalting God through this tragedy has shown HIM to more people than their lives may have ever been able to do…and that is true, it has.  This is the right answer, I know it is!  I know that this answer is true, it is right.  I also know that both my nephew and brother-in-law are fine.  They are with Christ and they are fine.  We are the ones who are not fine, they are.  However, it does not stop me from being baffled and begging “couldn’t there be another way?”  I suppose there could have been, but would it cause us to cling to God?  Would it cause my sister to cling to Him?…I don’t know.  All I know is that watching her have faith and trust in God’s plan this last year has shaken my own faith and caused me to ask myself if I could give up everything for His name.  I do not know pain like hers, I pray I never do, it is more than I can imagine.  But watching her praise God through it has changed me.  It has made me ask if I could open up my hands to everything and still worship.  It has made me able to say to God that I pray to never walk this path, but I give it all to Him and trust in His plan.  It has made me terrified, that is for sure, but it has made me trust.  It has taught me that this life is so not about us, it is only about Him.  That is so comforting and so terrifying at the same time.  I don’t understand it, and yet I do.  It all overwhelms me.  But I know this, my faith is being made stronger.

Maybe that helps you, maybe you think I’m crazy.  But this is what I am dealing with today.

OCEANS

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior


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